I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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