Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
