I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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