She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Sext me about skeletons
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
