ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
