I'm sorry my penis didn't work
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
