I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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