There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
