Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
