Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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