good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
