its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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