i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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