Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
