Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
