Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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