I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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