Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
