I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
