we made out on top of his cat.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
