M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
