Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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