dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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