Ambien. No doubt about it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
