I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
