Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I want to be your penis for a week.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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