i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
We are all done wearing pants today
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
