Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize