It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
