Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize