My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
