Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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