I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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