some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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