the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize