someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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