And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
