He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
