there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He did a backflip because drugs
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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