You're a womanizer and a bitch.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
two words: eviction party
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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