yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Did you pee in the oven last night??
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
