Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
