WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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