no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We got so high we made milksteak
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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