when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
