There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
