I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Randomize
