If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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