College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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