If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
