The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
