apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
