Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
