i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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