Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
