Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
