Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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