Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize