She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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