nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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